Just Drive
by wondercloud
Summary: Follow-up after 'A Desperate Man'. Ziva tries to put Ray's proposal behind her.


_A short follow up to 'A Desperate Man', picking up when Gibbs waited as Ziva confronted Ray. It took on a somewhat scattered life of its own._

* * *

Gibbs waited impatiently in the car. If Ziva weren't… well, _Ziva_, he'd have gone with her. He'd like to tell Ray a thing or two, and would enjoy knocking his sorry ass on the ground. Ray was a bastard. He was almost as bad as Eli. At least Ziva knew where she stood with her father. Gibbs had carried a bad feeling about Ray since the beginning, but it was her choice to make. He didn't think Ziva would trust many more people. She'd been broken and discarded enough to scare anyone off for a lifetime.

He was silently proud when she slid into the passenger seat, holding herself high despite the hurt that showed in her eyes. Gibbs found himself asking what he could do, though he knew Ziva would hold her own.

_Drive. Just drive._

Gibbs' touch, and his genuine questioning of what he could do, really got to her.

There was nothing he could do. But it was nice to have someone that cared enough to ask.

* * *

It had nearly been a week when they received the news that Ray had been let off on some sort of technicality- thanks to his many connections, no doubt. Tony joked a little more, careful to avoid the topic, though she'd known all along of his disdain for 'C. I. Ray'. McGee was nicer than usual, if possible. Abby kept giving her hugs. Gibbs just watched her when he thought she wasn't looking- or perhaps he knew she was, she wasn't sure. She was certain she couldn't take it anymore.

McGee and Tony had gone to lunch. Ziva silenced her ringing cell. Gibbs was doing it again- watching her. She looked at him for a moment before averting her eyes, feigning interest in her computer screen as she spoke. "I would like him to stop calling me. I do not wish to speak to him."

It was all she had to say. She would never ask what Gibbs said to him. She did not want to know, though many ideas crossed her mind. Gibbs would easily beat Ray to a pulp if she asked.

* * *

To Ziva's relief, the following days were busy. There was little time to dwell on what had happened, and few opportunities for her friends to ask questions. Today, however, was passing slowly. Her co-workers tried not to stare as she snapped a pencil in two. (One-handed, Tony noted. It could have easily been his arm.) After the third time of checking her weapons drawer, Gibbs stood up. Walking past her desk, he simply said "Ziva, with me."

The elevator ride was silent. At another point in time, it might have been stopped for a conversation. He didn't want to corner her now.

She followed him out of the building to the nearest coffee cart.

"I want to kill someone," she stated in frustration.

Gibbs tried not to smirk as the young man at the register looked up wide-eyed and fumbled with the change. He handed Ziva her cup and started to take the long way back to the building. "You got anyone in mind?"

"Ray. My father. Possibly Tony."

The last option earned her a slight grin from Gibbs. "Might make ya feel better; won't solve your problems."

She toyed idly with the cup. "My father has been emailing me. He believes I should reconsider marriage to Ray."

White hot fury flashed through Gibbs. "Yeah? Why's that?"

"Apparently Ray discussed things with my father when he was in Tel Aviv. My father thought that our marriage could be an asset. He had some… _jobs_ in mind for Ray. He hoped that by bringing us back to Israel, I would return."

" …To Mossad." He was thoroughly disgusted with the idea of Eli and Ray teaming together to manipulate Ziva. Rage surfaced at the mere idea of her going back to that place. He shoved his feelings aside- this wasn't about him.

"So that our children could 'grow up properly'." Her distaste was obvious, and rightfully so. "I am not sure if Ray went to my father, or if he went to Ray- either way, it does not matter."

Gibbs slowed as they neared the building's entrance, stopping to lean against the wall. He knew she wouldn't continue the conversation when they entered. "You deserve better."

Ziva's gaze snapped to him immediately. "Do I?"

He knew where she was coming from. There had been a time when he'd wondered if losing Shannon and Kelly was his penance for what he'd done as a sniper. Killing to defend his country was still killing. There were times he didn't feel all that bad about it- a known terrorist, murderers on the job, and he certainly had no regrets over Pedro Hernandez. But there were other faces that haunted him. It had taken many years and a lot of chasing down 'bad guys' to realize there was no balance. He didn't even want to know everything Ziva had done, but he had his suspicions. "You've done things, and feel like you're being punished."

She sighed in exasperation. "I find that it's a reasonable conclusion. How can I expect anyone to … accept me, knowing the kind of person I have been? I am a hypocrite."

Gibbs just raised an eyebrow.

"I have killed many times, not always with regard or sympathy. I have followed orders blindly, stopping at nothing until the target was eliminated. I have pretended to be involved in relationships to gain intel. What right do I have to judge another for doing the same?"

He hadn't quite seen this coming, though he can understand her thinking. It pained him to think of the Ziva she was speaking of- the Ziva who had been raised to kill on orders, without questioning, to earn the love of her father. "You've changed."

"Yes. Who is to say that he will not? I do not regret my decision. I cannot … marry him. The lies remind me of my father. I have done many unforgivable things, Gibbs. Perhaps my retribution is to be alone. I cannot expect anyone to accept the things I have done, but I cannot lie about them, either."

She walked away, with Gibbs following momentarily. He purposefully ignored DiNozzo and McGee's questioning looks as he returned to his desk. Ziva took out her rage on the keyboard that afternoon.

Her distress renewed itself as she mindlessly typed reports. The brief walk had done nothing to clear her mind, and she now knew that they were seeing through her pretense of being fine. She should have known better. This was, as she had told Gibbs, her retribution. Being alone. Ray had done nothing that she herself wasn't guilty of in the past, but somehow it felt different. Her time in Mossad often seemed like another life. The years of blindly following her father's orders, killing on command- all to gain approval that never came. She was nothing more than an alliance to her father- a puppet on a string. She wished she'd seen it sooner, but loyalty was born and bred. Ari had been the last straw, or so she'd thought. Then Tony shot Michael, and she'd been quick to change sides. How hurt she'd been when Gibbs boarded the chopper without her, letting her know in his own way where his loyalties lay. She had seen it only as him choosing Tony over her. She hadn't seen at the time that he was choosing his team, his family. How easily she could have chosen the same. She had meant it when she told Gibbs she'd never meant to live through raiding Salim's camp. She'd felt she had nothing and no one. She'd never imagined she would be rescued, and certainly not by the ones she had betrayed.

They were her family. After all she had done, they had come for her. Some days this was all that kept her going. She tried very hard not to be annoyed as everyone tip-toed around her. She tried to smile when she turned down their invitations for drinks; wanting only to go home alone.

It had been too easy with Ray, at first. He knew Eli. There was no need to pretend or hide from what she was or what she had done. He did not seem to mind, and it was a relief to be with someone with no pretenses. Then his secrets came, and his lies. She tried to overlook it. The empty ring box, and weeks of feeling like a fool for thinking she had found someone. Would he ever have told her the truth? He lied to her so easily. She couldn't believe she'd almost accepted his proposal. Ziva David was many things, but a desperate fool had never been among them.

Every last task had been caught up on. Ziva was well aware that the guys had gone home, and that Gibbs was only pretending to work as he waited for her to finish. A lump formed in her throat as she recalled him waiting for her while she confronted Ray, and then asked what he could do for her. Eli would never have asked such a thing.

She cleared her work space, pausing as she stood to turn off her desk lamp. She had been meaning to clear something up. Gibbs waited patiently. "I know Tony was just … being Tony, when he suggested you playing father to the bride. I would not have expected any such thing, of course."

"I'd be honored, Ziva, if the time comes."

Tears pricked the back of her eyelids. He showed no hesitation. What had she done to earn such loyalty? She smiled shyly, uncharacteristically, as she wished him a goodnight on her way out. Gibbs smiled a little to himself, too. She'd be just fine.


End file.
